Low Milk Supply and Mother's Guilt

Before I write this post I want to state for the record that I am overjoyed to have a healthy baby that is meeting all of the typical baby milestones despite her dramatic entrance into the world.  My heart goes out to all of the women who have babies that are struggling for one reason or another and especially to all the moms that are struggling to have a baby at all.  I feel truly blessed for my wonderful little family and would not trade it for anything, even properly working mammaries.  That being said...

For those of you that read my previous post you know that my early weeks of breastfeeding were a struggle.  Well, the struggle continues and hurts more with every bottle of formula I pour.  Now I spend plenty of time enjoying and wondering over my increasingly chubby little baby.  But sometimes, like today, I cry and apologize to her as I put the bottle in her mouth after what she got from my breast was still not enough.

Now I know that plenty of babies are formula fed, myself included, and I feel the need to say here that I pass no judgement on the choices of other moms for their babies.  But I cannot let go of my breastfeeding dream and am not ready to "redefine breastfeeding success," as I have seen on so many breastfeeding resources.  What I would like to try to let go of though, is the guilt I feel about it but no amount of self-reflection or sympathy from others seems to cut through it.  I still feel like my body is failing my child.

I want to be clear that I do not feel like I am failing my child.  How can I when presented with the evidence of her smiling face and roly poly limbs?  I am obviously doing something right and do try to focus on that.  But when I break down it is always about my body, which has somehow become separate from myself, if that makes sense.  My body that could not create a placenta that was capable of nourishing my child.  My body that became so dangerous for my child that she had to be cut out of me a month early and still lived in the NICU for a week.  My body that cannot, despite great effort, produce enough milk for my baby.

I intentionally did not say, "despite my best effort" because I never feel that I am giving it my best.  That's where the guilt comes in.  To give a little perspective, let me list the things I have done/am still doing to increase my milk supply.

2 Lactation consultants
Tongue and lip tie correction for Emma Jean
1 Pediatric chiropractor
Mother's Milk tea
Mother's Milk plus supplement
Special lactation blend tea
Goat's rue tea
Domperidone
Homeopathic thrush remedies
Homeopathic thyroid supplement
Oatmeal
Almonds
Fake coffee drink containing barley
Water, water, water
Power pumping
Continuing to put Emma Jean on my breast at nearly every feeding despite the fact that it usually ends in her clamping down on my nipple so hard it is flat when I take it out of her mouth

There is more but I'm having trouble remembering all of the things I've tried at 1:30 in the morning (I decided to leave that sentence ambiguous because I am both having trouble remembering at 1:30 in the morning and I have tried many things even at 1:30 in the morning).  The point is, despite all of this, I can still convince myself that I am not doing enough.  Where does this guilt come from?  Is it just part of being a mother and will never go away?  Is it lingering from not yet coming to terms with my birth experience?  Is it part of post partem depression?  Maybe all of the above?  I don't know the answer.  I do know that, logically, I am doing the best I can to provide for the needs of my baby.  But emotionally I feel like there is always more I should be doing.  I'm guessing that this disconnect between logic and emotion is something that is going to happen over and over again in the raising of children and will likely be the source of many tears in years to come.

I'm not sure where to end this post.  I have made no great epiphany in writing this.  I don't feel any closer to resolving myself to my low supply if that is what I have to live with.  But I will post this anyway in case it helps another mom going through the same thing to know she is not alone.  And perhaps a few moms can post back to let me know that I am not alone as well.

      This picture ends this post to remind myself of the joy that I feel everyday with my little girl, despite the sadness and frustration that sometimes creep in.