Expecting and What We Did Not Expect

AJ and I were married in the fall of 2011 and expecting our first baby by the end of that year.  We had decided to stop "not trying" to have kids and see what happened.  Luckily for us it didn't take long.  I peed on a stick early Christmas morning and waited (and waited and waited) for AJ to get up.  The stick was his last Christmas gift (and totally the best in my opinion).

We spent the next many months mentally preparing ourselves for the birth of our child.  We had decided to work with a midwife group and shoot for a natural unmedicated birth.  We read many many books (Ina May Gaskin is my new hero).  We joined online groups.  We talked to other parents.  We took a birth class geared towards a natural birth through a doula group in our area.

While we had some idea of how we would like the birth to go we did not write a birth plan.  I felt from the beginning that writing out a plan would turn my idea of the birth I wanted into a flat out expectation.  I did not want my mind to be limited to the ideal birth as I knew good and well that a birth never goes exactly how you plan it.  I said all along, "All I know at this point is the baby is coming out of me.  That's the only thing that is absolute."

As it turns out it was a damn good thing I didn't limit myself because nothing about the birth of my beautiful daughter Emma Jean fit into my image of an ideal birth.  On a Thursday evening a month before she was due I noticed a lack of movement.  Being a good birthing student, I drank some sugary drink and laid down for a while.  I got just enough movement to not call the midwife and sleep for the night.  Friday morning I woke up worried so I went hardcore with a doughnut and OJ, laid on my side, and poked at my belly for an hour.  I had a few light movements but they were so light I wasn't even sure they were coming from the baby.  I called our midwives and they said to come in and get an NST.

While hooked up to the monitors the baby's heart rate went from 140 to 65 to nothing in a matter of seconds.  The midwife tried to reposition the monitor to no avail, they could only pick up my heartbeat, so we quickly drove across the street to the hospital.  The monitors there found baby's heart immediately at 140 again.  That was a relief to me but I could still see that the doctors were concerned.  They continued to monitor me and do a biophysical profile for the next half hour.  They said the heart rate was not "bouncy" enough and there was very little movement in the ultrasound despite our efforts to get the little bean riled up.  Also, my amniotic fluid was a bit low for my gestation.  Six doctors/nurses/midwives stood around my bed in and said they thought it was time for a C-section.  This is the first place all of my preparation served me even though the situation seemed out of my control entirely.  I completely trusted every single provider that was standing in front of me.  From my midwife to the specialist I had seen earlier in the pregnancy for a completely unrelated issue.  I knew they would not recommend this major surgery unless the baby really needed it.  As it turns out we really needed it.

I was prepped as I was on the phone with my mother to tell her to go ahead and get a flight, she was going to be a Mamaw today.  I let my midwife and the anesthesiologist know that I was a little panicky about the spinal (up until this point I was actually completely calm).  The anesthesiologist told me in three minutes I would be saying, "That was it?"  And I did.  My midwife told me our children teach us how brave we can be.  And Emma Jean did.  This is where having that trust really helped me get through the surgery.  I had to completely trust these people so that I could let go.  Our birthing class doula spent a lot of time talking about letting go.  We mostly talked about it for dealing with the pain of labor but I must say it certainly came in handy for me while strapped down to a table with a curtain in my face.  I was 100% helpless and in the hands of the hospital staff.  If I hadn't been able to let go I would have been a mess.  I will not describe here how the C-section felt, maybe I'll post another blog about that, but what is important and amazing to me is that from spinal to the birth of my child only 15 minutes lapsed.  When they said emergency they meant it.







I waited for what felt like an eternity to hear my child cry.












And then I cried (I can't actually even look at this picture without crying).

Our beautiful wonderful amazing midwife took my phone and took pictures of everything I couldn't see.  She kept coming over to the table to show me pictures and videos of our new baby.  Again, I can't stress enough how important it was for us to have a provider we really knew and trusted.  Cathy was a million people to me that day.  She was a doctor rushing me to the hospital, she was a friend telling me we would be ok, she was a mother stroking my head and holding me for the spinal, she was our source of information when instead of holding my baby to my breast at birth I couldn't even see her.  I don't know how she did all of those things at once but she did and I will be forever grateful for that comfort.

I got a couple of quick kisses before the neonatal doc had to take my baby away from me for the next many hours.  My only solace was that my amazing husband, who was by my side through the entire morning, went with our baby to make sure she was going to be ok.   

I was pulled and tugged and stitched back together.  I was taken to recovery and told I could go to the NICU to see my baby once I could move my feet and bend my knees.  I put all of my energy into moving those damned useless legs.  It was about 2 hours before they said I could leave the recovery room and they wheeled my bed up to my baby's isolette.

As silly as it sounds to some people, I did have to grieve my birthing experience.  Everything had gone so well with the pregnancy we were fully expecting to be able to have the natural, unmedicated birth we envisioned.  Several things helped me through the process of sorting through my emotions about the birth.

• I trusted my care providers completely.  I knew they had my and my baby's best interests at heart and would not have recommended the C-section if we hadn't really needed it.
• We were prepared for anything when it came to the birth.  We did our research, we knew all of the possible birth scenarios and the risks inherent in each.
• We were flexible and willing to let go.  We knew our birth would not go exactly as planned and were prepared to accept whatever baby threw at us.
• The nursing staff in the birth center and the NICU were amazing.  They were all so encouraging and every one I met reminded me that if I hadn't come in when I did the outcome for little Emma Jean could have been much worse.  They all commended me for listening to my body and my baby.  One of the NICU doctors called me "the mother that saved her baby."  It's hard to feel bad about the way things went down when you get that label put on you.
• I was surrounded by loved ones that supported my pregnancy and were willing to do whatever I needed while I focused on the very daunting task of recovering from a major surgery and taking care of my premie child at the same time.  
• As it turned out, the placenta was small and was not feeding little Emma Jean.  She was already too weak to tolerate labor so an emergency C-section was really the only way to save her life.  

I still cry when I look at her and hear about the other babies in the NICU that are not as strong as Emma Jean is now.  I still cry when I think about the morning she was born and how we thought it would go so differently (no matter how much you say you have an open mind, it's hard to completely let go of the  birth you imagine).  I still cry when I look at my body and realize I'm not pregnant anymore and that I'm not actually feeling a baby wiggling around in there.  And I still cry when Emma Jean smiles in her sleep (and probably always will) because no matter what at the end of the day I did what had to be done to save my child.  It isn't all that matters, but to me it is the most important thing.