During pregnancy, birth, and newborn bliss much emphasis is placed on mother and baby and dads are often given only a side bar describing how to best support mom. This can lead dads to feel quite useless and secondary in the family relationship. I know this is the case with my husband so I wanted to write this letter to him.
Dear AJ,
Before I even peed on that stick Christmas morning, I already had a plan to surprise you with it assuming it was positive. It was all I could do not to wake you up at 5 a.m. and shove the dirty stick in your face. The only thing that kept me from it was knowing how much fun it would be to see you unwrap it. From that moment on, you have given me love and support and most of all understanding, even when I'm totally melting down and don't know why. If I am tired, frustrated, mad, sad, hungry, sick, or whatever, you always jump to get me whatever I need no matter how inconvenient it is or how much I convince you I don't need it.
Throughout the pregnancy, as we learned more about the birth process, you not only supported the idea of a natural unmedicated birth but threw yourself into the idea. You read everything I asked you to and more. You attended almost every single doctor's appointment and participated in childbirth education class with me. You were actively figuring the ways you'd be able to support and comfort me during labor. You put so much of yourself into the role of labor partner I can't imagine how you felt when we were suddenly faced with an emergency c-section. I know you said you felt useless but what you might not have known was that while you were fumbling around with your scrubs and being told to wait outside, all I wanted was for you to be there. You holding my hand during the surgery might not have seemed like much but it was the only thing keeping me together while the doctors pulled me apart. And even though I sent you away with Emma Jean after she was born did not mean I didn't want you there. If my love for the new baby wasn't greater than my love for myself I would have kept you by my side until I recovered. But our baby needed her parents and I couldn't help.
After Emma Jean's birth I became bogged down by every little thing that was outside my recovery and the health of our baby. I was incapable of making even simple decisions that did not revolve around our child, and had a hard time with decisions that did. You realized that quickly and took over. You went home to bring back the hospital bag we never packed. You arranged for care of our pets that we had to leave so abruptly. You made sure my mom got to me safely. You answered texts and voicemails on my phone. You brought me food without asking what I wanted. You picked out and bought clothes for me. You never showed any frustration with me no matter how ridiculous I was being. You comforted me when I cried, a lot.
Now that we are home and it is just you, me, and our fur and skin children, we are struggling to find a routine. My every waking hour (which is most of them) has become consumed with Emma Jean and my boobs which means most of your life has too. But on top of all of that you have the added pressure of working outside the home or even more difficult working from home while attending to the needs of your family. However, no matter how tired and frustrated we become, we always come back to each other. It's a little bumpy and will keep being bumpy for a little longer I think but I still feel like I did when I met you...that there is you and me and the rest of the world.
I love you.
Mel
